12.20.2012 Appreciate What You Have

12.20.2012

It's 50 degrees and raining this morning.  And DARK.  Very dark at 7 in the morning.  But my 10 mile commute took the same amount of time as always.  My fellow commuters were behaving themselves, driving for the conditions instead of driving to be first at the office.  Later on today, the temperature is supposed to drop and the rain will change into snow.  I'm not looking forward to snow; give me rain and 50 degrees any day.

The bright neon lights of the businesses along my route were such a contrast to the dark of the early morning.  The reds, yellows and greens of the traffic lights viewed through the rain cascading down my windshield were distorted and fuzzy and so beautiful!

And suddenly, I just felt so alone and this question popped into my head.  "how did I get to this point in my life where I feel so cut off from the people I love the most?"  And of course, I cried.

Why did I cry?  Because the lights were sooo pretty and because it's Christmas Time and the first snow is coming and I can't make a Christmas box for either of my parents because they're both dead and my boys are living lives that seem to rarely connect with mine.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed with how lonely I feel.

I'm not quite sure where my mindset would be if I hadn't met Scott.  Most of his extended family is right here in the area; his 2 children and his grands live within 5 miles of his house.   His Aunt Jeannie lives next door.  They've been very accepting of me and I appreciate their warmth and family time.

In fact, Scott's Aunt Jeannie hosted a family get together last night.  She has no children of her own, but she is an Auntie, a great Auntie, and a great great Auntie to the people who were there.  It's Tradition that she cooks a pork loin supper and makes ice cream pie for dessert.  Also Tradition that she gives pajamas to each little kid.  There were 7 or 8 little girls there last night and one boy; they all were so excited to get their new Christmas PJ's - the girls ran upstairs to change and then had a fashion show.  Jeannie looked exhausted but so happy to have her family around her.  Her husband is gone and she lives by herself, but is rarely alone.

ANYWAY, I got to work and checked my email and the blogs that I follow, one of which is http://rowdykittens.com/    She lost her father this past year and some of the things she wrote in her latest post really resonated with me this morning. She is going to work on practicing gratitude, choosing joy and savoring tiny pleasures.  Let's see....

"Practice Gratitude"   Yes, both of my parents are gone but I am grateful for the memories and for who they were.  I am grateful for my boys and the time I get to spend with them now that they are grown and busy.  I am grateful for Scott and for his love and his understanding of what I have gone through.

I am going to practice Gratitude for what IS and try to ignore what isn't or what can't be.

"Choosing Joy"  CHOOSE to be happy despite the sadness.  Look for the extraordinary in the ordinary.  Being able to focus on the little things is something anyone can develop.  I created a Pic-A-Day Photo Set for 2010; I'm nearing the end of my 2012 set.  To do this, I need to take pictures nearly every day.  The need to find these pictures has developed my FOCUS on what's around me.  I think I SEE more now when I look at something than I did 3 years ago.

Now I see that I need to develop my Focus on being Happy.

"Savoring Tiny Pleasures"  Find the happiness in the little things.  :)  I can do that!

Some recent tiny pleasures are

**Sharing an oatmeal breakfast every day with Scott

**A quick call from a boy

**Christmas Cards

**Chasing Ambrose the Cat around the house

**A herd of little girls prancing around in new pj's

**The crazy beautiful colors of a Rainy Day

:)

12.18.2012 A Christmas Note

12.18.2012  

It's a week before Christmas and I am so not ready!  In past years, my Christmas List was full of names - grands and parents on both sides, my boys, little cousins, nephews and nieces and yet, I was usually done with presents by early December.  Sadly, the little people are all grown up and I don't send gifts anymore..and the older people have passed on.  Now the list is short but I'm out of ideas!

HOWEVER, I did finally get my Christmas letter written. 

I know, I know - most people HATE getting those Christmas letters that rave about the Honor Roll children and the marvelous canoe trip to Tahiti and the photographic safari to Africa and the scientific breakthrough the husband achieved while he wrote his latest best seller.

But I don't hate them - I love them!  Since I don't live by most of my loved ones, I love reading up on what's happened in the past year and always hope for those achievements and good times rather than "Oh No" situations.

 I myself have written a Christmas letter for 20 years, some more amusing than others.  They're on my computer - I can start at the beginning and read them, one after the other, if I want to. And I confess, I've done that a time or two.  Fun and Sad at the same time.

So here's the 2012 Christmas Letter.  Not very entertaining, but it does sum up my 2012.  And in ten years, when I stumble across the file in my computer and re-read it, I hope the memories it will bring up make me smile more than cry.  

~~~~~ Dear Everyone I know! I hope this letter finds you and yours happy and healthy, pleased with the year just finished and full of good plans for the new one.   My 2012 was another roller coaster of a year.

 I’m going to get the bad news out of the way – most of you know it already; my mother, Sandra June Clark Yarbrough, died on May 15^th, from Uterine Cancer.   Able to be home, Mom’s last 20 days were spent hugging a constant flow of visitors, sitting in her rose garden, wishing she could play one more round of golf.  Given the gift of time, she called lifelong friends to say goodbye and wrote notes of farewell.

We knew this was the end but there was more laughing than crying.   I remember her reaction when I made that first cup of Constant Comment tea with 1 tsp of sugar!  “Oh it’s so good!  But, Kath...too Many Calories!  I don’t drink it with sugar!”  I said “Mom, why not?”  We looked at each other; then she drained the cup and said “Make me another and double the sugar!”   :)    She died in her own bed, with grandson Sam patting her on the back, her sister Barb holding one hand and me holding the other.  I really really miss her.

On to better things…Did you know that Amtrak offers a 15 day pass for only $430 a person?  It does!  Boarding the Empire Builder at Union Station, Chicago, my travelling companion Scott and I  traveled first north thru Minnesota and then west.  Port of Calls?   White Fish, Montana (hiking with Josh and Megan in Glacier National Park!) On to Portland, Oregon (walkabout and a coastal drive to the Lewis and Clark National Historic Park.) Then to Klamath Falls, Oregon (time with Cousin Susie and her family at Crater Lake!)  And finally heading home via Denver.  I only took about 1000 pictures.  Yay for Digital!  It was a GOOD Trip.  

Scott and I have been together already for TWO YEARS.  A good man, he has learned to properly handle my emotional ups and downs with hugs and cookies.  (LOTS of ups, LOTS of downs = LOTS of cookies!)  Scott’s retiring from the US Post Office on 01.31.13 after working there for 34 years!  Yes, he’s counting down.  Me?  I have no such retirement plans.   Am I Disgruntled?  Nah!  Nope.  Not me…

Son Josh and wife Megan live out west in Idaho. They've bought a house and are making it a Home.  Josh is a Hewlett Packard programmer; Megan is an elementary school Behavioral Specialist during the day and a Community Pool Supervisor at night.  They’re flying in on Dec 26^th for festivities.  

Son Tim and wife Mary are happily ensconced in Lafayette, Indiana.  Tim took a math teacher job at a local middle school; Mary teaches High School English on the same campus.  Tim is still being funny with his comedy improve group, Ad Liberation. Occasionally, the jokes bomb...but even the bombs are funny!   

Son Sam and FIANCE’ Jenna will graduate from Indiana State University in April (a Master’s and a Bachelor’s) and then marry on May 18 in a very small wedding on the south side of Indianapolis.  The next weekend there will be a party in the Chicago area for BOTH sides of the family.  Family members – you’ll get info on that sometime in the spring. Please put May 25 on the calendar!

Time goes on, eh?  I’ve got the carpal tunnel,  the wrinkles, the aches and a cookie tummy to prove it.  I keep my gray hair very short – I figure looking like an aging elf can’t be a bad thing! :) 

                                   

Love and Hugs from Me to You

Merry Christmas 2012 and Happy New Year 2013!  

May your Holidays be Sweet and Full of Family

11.09.2012 Just for a Moment...

11.09.2012  The other day I was driving home from work.  I came to a stop at a red light, and settled back into my seat to wait.

Glancing out the side window and up at the sky...robin's egg blue; no clouds.  Just BLUE sky.  Nothing but blue sky for miles and miles and ...whoa!  a DRAGON!  There's a DRAGON in the sky!  An Honest to Goodness Drago.... oh

it wasn't a Dragon at all.  It was just a small silver plane, destined to land in a few minutes at the Greenwood Airport.  It was tilted, and looked NOTHING like a small silver plane, but EVERYTHING like a small silver dragon.

And for just that brief second, I truly BELIEVED it was a dragon.  I saw it, my mind identified it and shouted "Dragon!"   :)  And I've got to tell you, for that one moment I believed...I felt AMAZING.

I think the World could use a good sized population of Dragons.  Not the fire breathing ones of course;  intelligent herbivores who love nothing better than to entertain commuters as they sit in their cars, waiting for the light to change.  You've seen flocks of birds swoop in their intricate patterns...can you imagine a herd of dragons doing the same?

11.03.2012 Thoughts at 7:09 AM

11.03.2012  Careening Thoughts

While on FB this morning, my thoughts started on a careening tangent.  So I thought I'd copy and paste them into my blog.  Kind of silly, because I think most people who read my blog are the ones who are my Facebook Friends and therefore, will probably have already read my list.  Oh well!


Thoughts at 7:09 am 

1. Am I doomed to forever wake up 2 minutes before my weekday alarm (5:50 AM) WOULD have gone off?

2. Mmmmmm Hot Irish Breakfast Tea

3. Wish I had a fresh scone to go with my IBT 

4. Do I want to bake scones at 7:09 in the morning? 

5. Long's Donuts has scones 

6 Wonder if people stagger into Long's in their pajamas? 

7. Sure is dark outside 

8. Fall back tonight with the clocks 

9. I'm glad i bought that Flea market clock that looks like the one my Grannie had 

10. I miss my Grannie 

11. I sure do like a good Flea Market 

12. Johnson County has one today 

13. Should I be alarmed that I find articles on Cracked.com so funny? 

14. More tea, more tea 

15. iBT in a Jury's Inn cup that Mom and I 'liberated' when in Ireland has gotta be better than when in a normal cup 

16. Ireland with Mom and my Aunties. That was a great trip. 

17. Glad I went to Alaska with Mom 

18. Puffins. Wish I'd gotten a better picture of those puffins I saw in the ocean 

19. More tea 

20. Does everyone's mind flip from subject to subject like mine does? Or is it just me? 

10.31.2012 All the Last Times

10.31.2012

In perusing blogs, I came across this one.  http://3x3x365.blogspot.com  .

Three friends from three different parts of the country (Asheville NC, South Bend IN, and Richmond VA)   post to this blog each day, sharing their lives with each other and people like me who have become interested in their photos and their written thoughts.

This post by Richmond VA really hit home.   http://3x3x365.blogspot.com/2012/10/102912.html

Here's an excerpt...

"I tore a page out of Reader’s Digest once.

 It was a short essay entitled All the Last Times. 

For years I had a copy of it on my refrigerator,

 and have shared it with every new mom I know. 

Today I am sharing it with "old" moms who,

 like me, are shocked by the fact that kids grow up."

Read the whole post.

If you're a Mom with grown up children, you might have a tear or two.

All the FIRST Times are really important and those are the things that really stand out in your memory when you have babies -  the FIRST time you know that baby looked at you and KNEW you, The FIRST word, the FIRST step, the FIRST day of school.

But the LAST TIMES are hard to remember, because the LAST TIME just doesn't have the impact, because you just don't KNOW it's the last time until, as she mentioned in her post, you're standing somewhere and you think..Huh.  When WAS that last time??   And then devastation hits, because you just don't have a distinct memory.  Like...

~~the last time I pulled a tshirt over a big ol' baby head because he couldn't escape from it
~~the last time the boys argued about who would be my Couch Pal for the evening
~~the last time each boy came to ME for a hug when they were hurting, instead of to a girlfiend

I think that's why I like to take pictures.  If  nothing else, I've got that Last Time I was with Someone in a jpg.   But I think if I'd known the last Couch Pal argument WAS the final one, I'd have insisted everyone sit with me in a Big Pile.

:)

10.24.2012 Royal Manual Typewriter

10.24.2012

My sister Carol has a friend who collects manual typewriters.  I read his blog this morning , which led me to start thinking about Typing and how EVERYONE knows how to type now...little kids are learning as soon as they can get to the computer keyboard.

The above is a picture I just found on the internet - an old Royal Quiet Deluxe Portable Typewriter.  My Mom had one just like it, and when I was a kid, I'd drag it out and have fun pounding the keys.  It came in its own hard case that had little metal clasps to affix the typewriter safely in place.

Typing FAST and of course, without errors,  used to be a highly prized skill.  Is it still?  I just took an online test and my score was 104 words per minute, without errors.  Not so bad.  But I notice it only used the normal punctuation, nothing on that top line, nor did it use numbers.  There's another test listed, with words AND numbers.  I'm not even going to bother taking it...my score would be a Hunt and Peck score.

I learned how to type correctly in high school as part of my series of Business Classes.  I also took two years of Gregg Shorthand, some of which I still remember and could actually use, if the occasion arose. (Whether I could read it back two hours later is another matter.)  And yes, I also took a class that taught me how to create the Punched Cards that were used to store the data and programs of the earliest computers.

Lincoln Way High School had a nice typing lab, 2nd floor, front of the building, complete with a full set of windows that overlooked the Lincoln Highway and the cornfields beyond.  I learned on an electric typewriter, which was so much easier to use than the Royal.  We had timed tests nearly every day which I always did well on.  Once during gym, I jammed the 3 middle fingers of my right hand playing basketball.  I remember that I still had to take those timed tests despite having those fingers all taped together.  :)

A few weeks ago, there was a story about Typewriters  http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7397608n on the CBS show  Sunday Morning .   Evidently more and more people are discovering the JOY of pounding out words on a Typewriter, whether it be manual or electric.  I watched that show and I wished again (as I have sooo many times in the past 20 years) that I still had that old Royal Typewriter of Mom's.

I took the Royal to college and typed every paper I wrote on it...and as a Library Science Major/English minor, I wrote lots of papers.  I still have a few of those papers, and each time I unearth the box they're stored in, I read them.  Looking at the characters typed on the paper is almost as fun as reading the words.

Some of the typed characters are DARK (early in the term, new ribbon) some are light (end of the term, old ribbon.)  Some have NO typing mistakes at all (very careful retype); some have a few mistakes, crossed out with handwritten corrections.   Any typed q, z, or x would be faint (I'm right handed, so wimpy left hand) but any Capital Q, Z or X would be VERY DARK because with the Royal, I'd hold the shift key down with my left fingers and use my right to smack the letter down hard.  :)  I just did that while typing this, and it felt VERY natural.

I remember typing my paper on Leon Uris, sitting cross-legged on my bed, my notes spread all over, and the Royal in front of me, resting on the closed case.   Probably not the best form.

Clickety clickety clickety , the Clunk of pushing the shift key down and a forceful bam for a Capital, clickety clickety clickety,  RETURN!  Man oh Man, that sentence?  Work of ART!  It had to be because of all the physical and mental effort that went into it!

I gave that Royal back to Mom when we moved from S. California to Florida.  I'd bought a Brother's electric typewriter to type up job applications and resumes and we didn't need two.  I asked her about it a few years ago - she'd donated it to Goodwill at some point.  It was long gone.  I wish I had it.

10.22.2012 October is nearly over

10.22.2012   October

I love October. I love everything about it.

I love the crisp temperatures, watching the leaves change colors, turning yellow and red and purple as the month marches on.   I love wearing sweatshirts.  I love that quick tinge of chill in the air as the sun sets.

I love scuffling my feet thru the piles of crunchy leaves. I even love RAKING the leaves.

I love the fall flowers...the bronze or dusky dark purple mums are my favorites. I love the fall weeds; the milk weed pods and the Joe Pye Weed and the Goldenrod.  I love the colors - the deep oranges and the purples.

I love the pumpkins, piled up at Farmer's Markets or grinning wickedly at the world from the front stoops.

I love the football games and the marching bands and the Fall Festivals, with the huge boxes of apples in the markets.  Honey Crisp!  Braeburn!  Pink Lady!  Sun Crisp!    Mutsu!  How can you NOT buy a pound of an apple named Honey Crisp?

I love that my son Timmy was born in October, 2 days before Halloween.  I was home from the hospital in time to watch my son Josh the Dinosaur go off into the night with his Dad to Trick or Treat.  I sat in my rocker on the porch, handing out candy and peeks at the new baby to the little goblins and witches who came to my door.

I love Halloween.  I love the danger tinged darkness contrasted with the bright safety of the house.  I love the jack-o-lanterns and the SMELL of the pumpkin mixed with the burning wax.  I love the costumes and the spookiness of it all.

But my love for October is always edged with a little what...Regret?  Sadness?  It's a Bittersweet month for sure.

October is such a visual reminder that Time is passing by.  The farmer's fields are empty of growing things, full of broken corn stalks. The leaves fall faster and faster -  Some trees are already standing with their arms naked and stark against the white sky.  Farmer's Markets are shuttering their open windows against the chill and the wind.

My Dad's birthday is in October.  I used to send him birthday boxes of warm socks or a new book and a big bag of those Peanut Butter Kisses, the chewy taffy with the peanut butter in the middle, in the orange and black wrappers.  He loved those.

This morning I drove to work in the dark and after November 4, I'll be driving home in the dark as well.  I love that Scott gets home from work first, so that I'm not coming home to a dark, empty house.

09.27.2012 Bike Ride to the Classics

09.27.2012

We went on a bike ride last night and ended up by the Ray Skillman Classic Car Showroom.

http://www.rayskillmanclassiccars.com/showroom.aspx


We've ridden our bikes by it before, but it was always dark and gated.  Last night?  The gate was wide open, so we just varooomed into the parking lot, locked the bikes together onto a post by the side door, and sashayed in!

We were met at the door by Ray's dog,  a big, friendly beautiful labradoodle by the name of Casey who gave us sniffs and let us pet his furry curly head.    The side door actually opened up into a work bay.  Up on the racks?  Old Beautiful Cars.  Parked right by the door?  an Old Beautiful Car.

The guys working on the cars yelled friendly Hellos and when we asked if it was too late to see the cars, they laughed and said "we're here!  go on in!"  Hard to believe I know, but these guys who evidently make a living by working on Old Beautiful Cars were a lot friendlier than the guys who do the oil changes in the work bays at the local chain store.

So we walked around the showroom, oohing and aaaahing over each and every car...there was a ROW of Classic Corvettes, a DeLorean, a Victoria, a black and red Bel Air, Mustangs, a Jeepster...Big Thick Shiny Beautiful Cars, gleaming in the Neon lights cast off by all the old timey signs on the walls.

My favorite was the 1957 Chevy Corvette.  I could drive it out of that showroom for a cool $135k.  Sigh.    I wonder if they'd let me sit in it every now and again if I volunteered to come by on a weekly basis to help buff them with a pile of soft old diapers...

09.20.2012 Half Price Roses

09.20.2012

During lunch last week I wandered around the garden center over at Lowe's, oohing and aaahing over their fall asters and mums, but not buying anything because that's not WHY i was there.  I was simply out and about during my hour lunch, getting away from my desk...until I came upon this sign "Knock Out Roses.  75% off"

BAM!  My leisurely lunch hour stroll became instantly became a hunt for the best of the sale!  The rose bushes were beautiful and healthy looking with green glossy leaves and lots of  flower buds.  I chose FIVE - I got FIVE big pots of Knock Out Roses for how much?

$$ 30 bucks! $$   Amazing SAVINGS!  Whoo Hoo!  :)

OKAY!  Where to put them?

Hadn't thought of that.

A conversation with Aunt Jeannie next door revealed that a past owner grew roses in the front yard for YEARS - beautiful vibrant bushes that he'd spend hours tending, clipping and carefully fertilizing with cow manure.  Bingo!  Perfect place! Pre-Fertilized even!

So we got out the rototiller and tilled up a nice section of yard.

Hmm.  Kind of low.  It needs dirt.  Get the Back Up Truck.  38 bags of dirt for how much?

$$ 76 bucks! $$ 

Ok!  Nice and rounded, beautiful dirt!  Plopped those roses in a nice arrangement, spaced for growth.  Stood back and sighed with satisfa...

hmm.  Looks unfinished.  It IS the front yard.  Off to Menards in the Back Up Truck!  50 bricks for how much??  Half price bricks!  Whoo Hoo!  another sale!

$$ 50 bucks! $$

On with the knee pads!  Careful placing of those beautiful bricks makes a nice enclosed space!  It looks so nice - lots of room left for the 2 packages of fund raiser spring bulbs bought from the Band Kids.  But it's missing something.  What is it?

oh gawd.  MULCH.   All perennials need mulch to winter well.  Off to the mulch man with the Back Up Truck.  a Truckload of Mulch for how much?

$$ 29 bucks! $$

Beautiful!  hey...wait a minute...

$30 + $76 + $50 + $29 = $185.

Whoa.  OK!  Justification time!  IF  I'd bought the Knock Out Roses from Jackson and Perkins, those roses would have been approximately 150 bucks and we'd still have needed all that other stuff! .  So for just a tad more, we've got a BEAUTIFUL Bed of Roses, destined to be a showcase of summertime happiness, a haven for bees and butterflies!

And we got some exercise and fresh air.   Worth Every Penny.  :)

09.16.2012 Abby the Dog

09.16.2012

This is Abby the Dog. 

 Scott's puppy dog.  

 Nearly 13 years of age, she's been failing lately.  Not eating, barely drinking, content to curl up on her cushion outside on the back porch or at Scott's feet.  Only finding the energy to pound her tail on the floor in appreciation of a pet or an ear rub.

Scott made the hard decision this morning to let her go.  He took her to the vet, held her during the brief examination and talked to her while she slipped away after the injection.  He told her she was a "Good Dog."

And she was.  One ear up, one ear down, she welcomed me into Scott's household with the big heart Dogs have, mooched food from me when Scott wasn't looking, kept me company when Scott wasn't in the house.  He said she loved me as all dogs love most humans, but honestly..she LOVED Scott as her Best Friend.

Scott made the right decision, hard as it is.  

Why can't society be that humane to our human loved ones?  Why must a sick or old person be forced to go to the very bitter end, instead of being able to choose for himself the time for his passing? 

Anyway. I've been doing a lot of saying goodbye and missing lately.  I'd appreciate it if I could stop for awhile and just say "Hello" and "See you Next time."

09.14.2012 OOH Look! Two in a Row!

09.14.2012

My friend Scott has an 18 year old Truck.  I don't know the details, it's just a big ol' blue pick up Truck.  I like riding in it because it's high off the ground - I get a whole different perspective of the world I'm traveling through when I'm higher off the ground.

Sometimes he has troubles with his Truck. This part breaks,  that part squeals, there's a mysterious fluid leaking out.  Plus it eats gas like I eat Oatmeal Crunch Bars left out on the counter.  The solution?  Back Up Car.  Having a Back Up Car makes sense when you have an 18 year old truck.

In the 2 years I've known Scott, he's bought and sold  3 different used vehicles to have as a Back Up Car for his truck.  Unfortunately, these Back Up Cars sometimes need a Back Up Car of their own.  Luckily he has a  Nephew, the Mechanic, who has been happy to work on his Uncle's ailing vehicles.

About a month ago he was between Back Up Cars.  He only had the Truck.  And one morning, it would not start.  Nope.  Nothing.   And he discovered that he'd finally reached the point (the age?) of being tired of dealing with old, tired vehicles.

So instead of cruising the posts on Craig's List, he researched the deals out there in New Car land.   And one fine afternoon, he signed the lease papers on a brand new VW Passat!  Stick Shift, silver, great gas mileage, HEATED SEATS!  He loves this car.  And at only 200 bucks a month for the lease, such a deal!

The truck sits patiently waiting for an outing to Menards, now serving the role as the Back Up Truck.

BUT there is a problem with this new, pristine rust-free car.  It's beautiful!  No Rust!  Its a problem!  Why?  It won't fit in his tiny, 1940's size garage!   My Kia Soul barely fits in his garage.  Scott now fears Hail!  Falling Tree Limbs!  Snow!  Salt!  Ack!

So now we are investigating Storage Solutions for his car.  What's the best way to go?  A garage for sure!  but that could cost at least 10k.  Does he want to put that kind of money into the property at this point?  What about a free standing vehicle shelter!  Is it allowed in the city of Greenwood?  Would the neighbors complain?  Are there RULES???  And if he did put up a shelter for 1-2k, wouldn't it just be better to spend the 10k?

So off to Home Depot last night to see what we could see.  And out in their parking lot, they've got Tuff Sheds!  http://www.tuffshed.com/   And they build GARAGES!  There's a BARN GARAGE with 2nd story dormers that would match his little white house very nicely.

But that's the current dilemma.  What to do!  what to do?

And whatever he does, he's gotta make up his mind fast because it's already the middle of September.

I wrote all that, just to say this.  Last night, standing in one of the sample Tuff Sheds they have in the parking lot, the one with windows and a good smelling wood floor and joists, and a front porch... I could probably live in such a place, a Tiny House.  As long as it had a good yard for me to step out into.  http://tinyhouseblog.com/ 

I'd just have to get rid of a lot of stuff.  I could do it.  Maybe I can convince each of my boys to build me a tiny house in their back yards.

Wonder if I could convince Scott to live in a Tiny House with me?

:)


 

09.13.2012 Oh oh, I've been a slacker.

09.13.2012  Wow.  It's been nearly 5 months since I last posted on April 24th.  In that post I mostly fret about my mother.  The very next day, during my commute home from work on the 25th, my sister called and said Mom was in the hospital,  dying.

Sooo I flew to Sacramento, CA Thursday, the 26th.  My mother's cancer had returned with a vengeance despite her chemotherapy, and her kidneys were shutting down.  Given just hours to live, she was given the option to have shunts put into her kidneys, for draining purposes.  This would give her time; only a few days, maybe a few weeks.  But Time.  We all opted for that.  I told her I'd stay until the "game was over" and she could therefore die at home.

After a day or two in the hospital to get her stabilized, we took her home to her house and garden on Rose Garden Lane.  The next few weeks were full of family and friends, laughter and hugs and crying.  My brothers and sister came with their families and left and came back again.  Mom's sisters came...Barb stayed until the end and beyond.  Diane stayed as long as she could.  My boys came with their girls for the Mother's Day Weekend and spent lots of time with her, talking and making her laugh.

It was a good time.  I kept telling her to say what she wanted to say, to tell people what they meant to her, to say goodbye, to make sure this gift of time she was given was put to good use.  And she did.

The house emptied out on Monday, May 14th.   My Aunt Barb, my Son Sam and I were there with her, making her tea, keeping her comfortable.  Aunt Barb sat with Mom until late Monday night.  I have no idea what they talked about, or if they simply took comfort from being with each other.

Mom died at 6:45 am on Tuesday May 15th.  It was not one of those peaceful ends you see in movies.  She didn't just slip off, with a smile on her face.  The cancer was ripping her up, and she died frightened.  In fact, her last words were "I'm afraid."  But she was not alone.  Sam was kneeling on the bed behind her, patting her back.  I was by her head, holding her hand. Barb was next to me, talking to Mom, telling her it was ok for her to go.  And she did.

The next few weeks were spent going through the possessions of a lifetime, giving some away to friends, saving some for her family.  We had a memorial at her home - her golf, mahjong and bunko buddies and her church friends came.  Barb finally went home.  One week later, Sam and I did too.

We drove south and then east through Arizona.  Sam wanted to see the Petrified Forest and the Painted Desert.  We met some cousins in Bethany, OK for the first time.  And finally home on June 6.  2000 miles in five days.

My Dad died in September of 2007.  He's been gone not quite 5 years.  And now Mom is gone.  It's very hard to deal with this, to BELIEVE it.  The last year of his life I called him nearly every day on my drive home.  After he died, I called Mom nearly every day.   Since Mom died,  I sometimes find myself frantically hitting the speed dial on my phone, calling my boys, calling my aunts, calling my Scott, trying to find someone home and available to talk to me.  Sometimes I just cry.

But sometimes?  I drive with the windows open and the radio on.   I don't have to call anyone and I don't cry.  I look forward to going home, hugging Scott,  fixing supper, taking a bike ride.  Sometimes a boy calls to check in and that makes me smile for hours.

I'm so happy Mom and I decided to take that Alaska trip last year in July.  Oh sure, we got irritated with each other, but for the most part, we enjoyed each other.  She had an older man flirt with her, and try for an on-board fling.  I made her laugh until she'd beg me to stop.

I think about her a lot, trying to figure her out. She was the oldest of 3 daughters, a tomboy who loved to play golf, married at 19, to a 21 year old who was tall, klutzy and goofy.  They were married in 1954 and stayed married.  She was bossy and opinionated,  never hesitated to let anyone know she thought they were being stupid and was surprised when they were upset.  I was a married woman before she told me she loved me...and I think she only said something because I was moving 4 thousand miles away.  She told me I'd done a good job raising my boys only a year or two ago, after decades of shaking her head at and questioning everything I did.  It seemed that it was hard for her to show affection, but she was hurt when she wasn't given it easily.

The last 3 weeks of her life, she was amazing...we used laughter to get past the messy parts of being in hospice, a lot of dry humor, a lot of BLACK humor.  She was a good sport, patient with my fumbling with her tubes and her bandages and her medicine.  I washed her and we laughed at all my silly statements.  She was grateful for each cup of tea and each bowl of farina I made her.

Despite her being such a frustrating woman, I miss her so much.

04.24.2012 Moms and Cancer

My Mom lives in Roseville, California.   My Dad died in September 2007, basically from prostate cancer, so Mom's been on her own since then.  I truly expected her to take a while to recover from his death, and then move back to the Chicago area to be by my older brother Jim, her sisters and extended family.  

But she didn't!  She decided to stay in Sunny Northern California.  She rebounded, got involved again in card clubs, extended her friend base and got back into her golf game.  My sister Carol lives in San Francisco, nearly 3 hours to the west.  My brother Steve lives in Reno, nearly 3 hours to the East.  I live in Indianapolis, nearly 2000 miles East. 

Sigh.  It's impossible to just drop in for a cup of coffee, have supper together, or to help with spring cleaning.  But I've gone west annually for years (really, it's not a hardship to HAVE to go to California!) and Mom has flown back to various Midwest cities for graduations and weddings.

But we are allll getting older.  Every now and again, I'd urge Mom to consider moving home to Illinois like her Mother did.  My Grannie and Gramps retired to Florida; after Gramps died, Grannie moved back to Illinois and lived the last 10 years of her life with family about her.

But the thought of moving (and back to snow at that) was overwhelming and she stayed.  She'd call and say she was lonely for family, but ...Northern California IS really nice.

Well,  finally it happened - early December 2011 my Mom was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer.  Surgery found that the cancer had escaped from her uterus into the lymph nodes of her groin area.  So what could have been a simple removal turned into a "oh oh" situation.  So after a few weeks of recovery from the surgery, she was started on a chemotherapy program; six sessions of being hooked up to a chemo drip for 5 hours, 3 weeks apart. 

She did the first 3 sessions.  I flew out for session number number 4 on April 1.  Instead of dropping her off for chemo, she was found to have low oxygen because of a smattering of blood clots in her lower lungs and so chemo was cancelled for a month.  She is now on oxygen 24 hours a day and cumadin, scared and wishing she had local family.  :) 

My sister has been so excellent, driving over every weekend from San Francisco to visit.  But she works a long week and she simply can't keep that up.  Mom is scheduled to start her chemo up again May 1.  Three more sessions; 18 more weeks.  And after?  a month of daily radiation.  Hopefully that will be that..and she'll have another 10-15 years of golf and gardening.  Where will that be tho?  As the doctor kept saying "you ARE 77."  Decisions decisions.  I want HER to make those decisions for herself. 

And of course, in thinking about Mom, I think about myself.  I have three boys, living in 3 different cities.  One 2000 miles away in Idaho, the other two still in Indiana, but over an hour drive away.  When I broke my elbow last February, luckily I had my friend Scott to help me.  As I get older, I know I want to be by my boys...I'll have to decide just who to live by because I don't think they'll ever all live in the same city again.  

03.02.2012 BAND!

03.02.2012   I've played the flute since 5th grade, Willowcrest Elementary, Mokena Illinois.  I WANTED to learn to play violin.  Perry Freedman, Band Director and trumpet player extraordinaire, said "this is BAND, not Orchestra.  We don't do violins.  Here...blow across this pop bottle!  PERFECT!  You're a flute Player.  Mom, get her a flute."

:)

So Mom bought this flute somewhere - dunno where she got it.  It was a heavy, clunky, PITTED flute, that no one could get a sound out of except me...eventually.  (Accommodating THAT flute is more than likely the reason I still have a few playing issues with my current flute, a nice little tooter I bought downtown Indianapolis at Musician's Repair.)   Anyway - I stayed in Band all the way thru high school, competent, but never great.  I enjoyed playing in Symphonic Band but LOVED Marching Band.

Marching Band, with the high-stepping Big 10 style the Director favored, probably was the start of my current knee problems, but man oh man, it was fun!  In deference to my faulty knees, I did NOT do marching band in college at Illinois State University, something I regret to this day.

So my pitted flute was put away, and eventually sold at a garage sale for 10 bucks.

I missed playing in a band tho.  Once a Band Geek, Always a Band Geek.  And a Band Geek NEEDS a band to play in, for the JOY of it all.   Luckily, each of my 3 boys wanted to play an instrument and I got involved in their Band Program. So involved that yep, I played my new flute in Football and Basketball Pep Bands AND was lucky enough to play for a few high school Musicals.

The boys graduated high school one by one (see the PS below) and I left the area.  My flute lay silent in the case.

BUT!  I now live in Greenwood Indiana, and there is a Community Band!  No Auditions Required!  All are Welcome!  For the past few Thursday nights, I've had the Extreme Pleasure of playing in a Band full of people who've been Band Geeks for YEARS (looking around, there is quite the range of life years..let's just say I am not the oldest or the youngest)  and like me, do NOT want to walk away from that sense of unity, the sense of creating MUSIC with others.

Again, I'm not great, I'm only competent.  I know what my fingers will do, what they won't, and what I might just be able to pull off with practice.   On occasion these past few weeks,  I have found myself NOT playing, simply SMILING as the sound surrounds me.   I know the director has seen this - flute players are always in the front row - there's no hiding.

He might have thought "oh, oh - a crazy woman!"  But more than likely, he completely understood why I was smiling.  I don't know anything of his background, except that he is a retired High School Band Director.

Evidently he can't stay away either.  :)

PS.    My youngest son, the drummer, lives in an apartment, and has to limit himself to banging on an Irish bodhran.  My middle son has mentioned he misses playing the saxophone, but the community band in his town practices during the DAY.  My oldest son played trumpet in college, met his wife in the trumpet section, and they both still play in a church band AND a community band.  He even bought a tux to wear for the concerts!

02.11.2012

http://3x3x365.blogspot.com/
Three Friends.  Three States.  Sharing One Photo Every Day

I dunno how I found this blog.  But it's written by 3 friends who live far apart.  It's the way they keep abreast of what is happening in each other's lives.   I find it amazing that they have the time to write something so perfect for each picture they post.  I take a  picture a day, but the captions I write are not amazing like these captions are.  

I'm going to try to start doing that with my pictures.

My third favorite son Sam is a 1st year grad student.  He is studying Creative Writing and teaching 2 sections of Freshman English.  When reading 3x3x365 this morning (and crying over some of the posts) (they're not SAD, it's just that my heart was touched and I cry) I thought that this type of thing might be a wonderful idea for Sam's classes.  

I don't know that his freshmen could do this, but they at least could try. Perhaps he could create a blog for each to post to on a weekly basis.  Or at the least a file somewhere and at the end, everyone gets a copy.  

My favorite teacher in high school was my senior English Teacher.  Mrs. Jane Bills.  she was quite the unique woman and an excellent teacher.

She had a piece of concrete on her desk entitled "concrete example", she had traveled widely and wore colorful Hawaiian dresses to school.   anyway - we had a weekly assignment.  It was a 100 word theme.  I do not remember exactly the requirements, but she'd give us a topic on Monday and the 100 word theme was due the next Monday.  It had to be exactly 100 words.  That's the only thing I remember about it really.  Probably 3 paragraphs only, opening, body and closing.  Opening statement had to have elements..you know all that stuff better than I do now.  

I really wish I still had my stack of themes.  they're long gone and I wish I had them.  I don't remember any of the topics.  I remember writing, then counting, then rewriting, then counting, slashing, counting.  

I guess my Pic-a-day pictures are my daily One Word Themes.  :)  

02.06.12 Stuff

Today is the day AFTER the Superbowl!  The Giants won, after a close, FAST game.  Sometimes football games last forever - this one was quick!  Madonna at halftime?  meh.  fairly unmemorable.  But then, she's never been a favorite anyway.

A FB friend is "eating naked" - losing weight FAST and feeling great!    She's given up dairy and gluten, focusing on basic, unprocessed foods, and doing quite well.  I'm thinking of giving up gluten just to see... I myself stopped eating DAIRY a few years ago.  I finally realized the daily yogurt I was eating was causing great discomfort and actual pain.

I remember the first time I felt something weird was going on in my stomach. I was in bed reading and all of a sudden, it felt like there was a small herd of butterflies fluttering in the middle of my chest.  I thought oh gawd...heart palpitations.  Eventually went to the doctor, and she signed me up for a heart monitor.  They saw nothing on the tapes.  The doctor didn't pursue it further, which I thought was odd.  I thought doctors are supposed to track down the CAUSE of discomfort...just not say "Oh Good!  it's not your heart!  Carry On!"

What does it feel like?  You know the water coolers that offices have and the bubbles that occur in the bottle water as someone is filling a cup?  That's how i feel.  sometimes little bubbles.  sometimes MASSIVE bubbles that actually make me feel like I might faint!

Anyway, a doctor I saw last fall prescribed Prilosec "well, as we age, digestive problems occur!  Take a pill!"  bah.  I did that for about 2 months - but truly, it didn't help all that much.  I HAVE found that a few TUMS work just fine for me.  Nice to know it's not my heart.

Anyway - back to the dairy.    I gave it ALL up and  only eat the occasional cheese on pizza.  Last week a friend of my son Tim mentioned that his stomach problems were solved for the most part by eating Greek Yogurt (with all the active cultures.)  I thought, "huh! Mebbe I just need to find the RIGHT kind of dairy!"  So I bought and tried some.  My first tentative tsp was so good, I plopped a bunch onto my morning oatmeal.  BAM!  HUGE stomach discomfort.  :(     So no yogurt for me.

My sister Carol was telling me she'd read that SOY milk (which I've been using as my milk alternative) is not a good choice, for a variety of reasons NOT the least of which is a cancer link.  So I'm thinking perhaps Rice milk or LacTaid.  Concerned about my calcium intake, i'm back to popping calcium pills and keeping my fingers crossed.

01.03.2012 Happiness Highlights: Moving Forward, Going Home

The title of this post is interesting because as I hit the button for "new post"  it was there as an option for me to use - evidently I'd typed it once before but didn't write anything.

Moving forward - yep, that's what I"m doing in 2012.  The past will always be in my mind - but I have found myself making little steps here and there into my future.  Moving in with my boyfiend was a BIG step, but until recently, I have to admit that it all seemed very transitory, another huge upheaval.  But now?  I'm settling in.  The shelf my brother Steve made is hung on the wall and my bisque kewpie collection is displayed.   The cat has accepted me and sleeps behind me on my desk chair.  The dog will do what i ask MOST of the time. Last week I went into the Greenwood Public Library and got a card.  Saturday I went over to the Greenwood Community Center and paid $50 for a year's access to treadmills and steppers, an inside walking track, weights, AND if I ever get the nerve, basketball courts!  The weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year's were filled with family - I'm more comfortable with the BF's family and my local boys and girls came to my new place.  So I'm moving forward.  Yep, I am.

Going Home?  I wonder what I meant by that.  Mebbe that where I'm living now feels more and more LIKE home to me.  Driving home at the end of the day means a house where the BF is waiting with a hug.  Having a Home where my children can visit.. Home means so many different things and I feel now that i HAVE a Home again.

anyway - a new year!  I'm striving to shake off all unhappiness and disgruntledness.  I've started another Pic-a-day and posted the first two pictures on Facebook.  I'm GOING to get fit by Eating Naked and working out.  I've sent an inquiring email to the local community band.  2012 IS going to be a good year!  At least, I'm going to strive to make it so.  :)