12.20.2012
It's 50 degrees and raining this morning. And DARK. Very dark at 7 in the morning. But my 10 mile commute took the same amount of time as always. My fellow commuters were behaving themselves, driving for the conditions instead of driving to be first at the office. Later on today, the temperature is supposed to drop and the rain will change into snow. I'm not looking forward to snow; give me rain and 50 degrees any day.
The bright neon lights of the businesses along my route were such a contrast to the dark of the early morning. The reds, yellows and greens of the traffic lights viewed through the rain cascading down my windshield were distorted and fuzzy and so beautiful!
And suddenly, I just felt so alone and this question popped into my head. "how did I get to this point in my life where I feel so cut off from the people I love the most?" And of course, I cried.
Why did I cry? Because the lights were sooo pretty and because it's Christmas Time and the first snow is coming and I can't make a Christmas box for either of my parents because they're both dead and my boys are living lives that seem to rarely connect with mine. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with how lonely I feel.
I'm not quite sure where my mindset would be if I hadn't met Scott. Most of his extended family is right here in the area; his 2 children and his grands live within 5 miles of his house. His Aunt Jeannie lives next door. They've been very accepting of me and I appreciate their warmth and family time.
In fact, Scott's Aunt Jeannie hosted a family get together last night. She has no children of her own, but she is an Auntie, a great Auntie, and a great great Auntie to the people who were there. It's Tradition that she cooks a pork loin supper and makes ice cream pie for dessert. Also Tradition that she gives pajamas to each little kid. There were 7 or 8 little girls there last night and one boy; they all were so excited to get their new Christmas PJ's - the girls ran upstairs to change and then had a fashion show. Jeannie looked exhausted but so happy to have her family around her. Her husband is gone and she lives by herself, but is rarely alone.
ANYWAY, I got to work and checked my email and the blogs that I follow, one of which is http://rowdykittens.com/ She lost her father this past year and some of the things she wrote in her latest post really resonated with me this morning. She is going to work on practicing gratitude, choosing joy and savoring tiny pleasures. Let's see....
"Practice Gratitude" Yes, both of my parents are gone but I am grateful for the memories and for who they were. I am grateful for my boys and the time I get to spend with them now that they are grown and busy. I am grateful for Scott and for his love and his understanding of what I have gone through.
I am going to practice Gratitude for what IS and try to ignore what isn't or what can't be.
"Choosing Joy" CHOOSE to be happy despite the sadness. Look for the extraordinary in the ordinary. Being able to focus on the little things is something anyone can develop. I created a Pic-A-Day Photo Set for 2010; I'm nearing the end of my 2012 set. To do this, I need to take pictures nearly every day. The need to find these pictures has developed my FOCUS on what's around me. I think I SEE more now when I look at something than I did 3 years ago.
Now I see that I need to develop my Focus on being Happy.
"Savoring Tiny Pleasures" Find the happiness in the little things. :) I can do that!
Some recent tiny pleasures are
**Sharing an oatmeal breakfast every day with Scott
**A quick call from a boy
**Christmas Cards
**Chasing Ambrose the Cat around the house
**A herd of little girls prancing around in new pj's
**The crazy beautiful colors of a Rainy Day
:)
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